I begun packing a few days ago. Getting laundry done, making lists, putting cloths in piles ect ect. Im usually a last minute packer, but Im trying to be more organized this time.

Packing for 9 months can be hard. We wont get to do laundry often, so I want to bring enough that I wont smell rank, but I don't want to bring too many things. I don't want to be the girl that brings everything she owns, but I don't want to have too little either.

This spring after watching the movie "Into the Wild" I decided I had a lot of things I didn't need. So I went threw all my cloths and shoes and threw out 2 and a half garbage bags of stuff. This makes it hard to pack some "grungy" cloths for training week when I have thrown them all out.

I sit in the spare bedroom with all my cloths neatly organized in piles, which is very unlike me. I realize how much more stuff I have accumulated since the spring. Im discussed by how many cloths I have.

I keep remembering this one boy from Ecuador that came out to camp. He wore the same shirt everyday. Did God love him any less because of this? No.

Does God love me anymore because I have lots of cloths? No. Does He love me any less because I have lots of cloths? No. They are just cloths.

"Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to see the pain
Let the blessing You've
poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change"

(Starfield)

I am privileged. God has blessed me. I can go out and buy a new shirt when I like to. I can go out to eat for lunch, like I did today. Im thankful for the life I have but I don't want to take advantage of it.  And Im willing to lose it if God asks me to.

I leave in a few short days. I'll be on my way to Georgia for the training week. Which will involve meeting all the team mates and leaders, team building, worship and bible studies, sleeping in non-electric cabins, showering outside with a hose and a lot of unexpected things Im sure. Im most looking forward to the unexpected. I know from reading blogs that training week can be a very intensely spiritual week.

Everyone has been asking me "Are you excited yet?!".  Im happy that Im going and looking forward to it all, but yet I can't say Im excited right now.

Since everyone has been asking me about being excited, this last week I have realized how much pain I feel and how broken my heart is. And there is good and bad in that. It's broken for the right reason, it's my love for others and sense of justice and compassion that leaves me with a broken heart for people all over the world. I constantly feel sorrow for them. I look down at my wrists and see chains that link me to them. I hear a calling from God telling me to do something about it. I feel responsible for every child that is left without parents. I feel responsible for every girl raped in the sex trade. I feel responsible for every women widowed because of AIDS. I feel responsible for anyone that goes hungry. I feel responsible because, even though Im only one person, I can do something to change it. And I haven't. Until now.

The sorrow I feel for the people of the world leads me to tears almost everyday. It could be something on the news, or in a blog, or in a magazine, a verse in the bible, in my prayers, and sometimes I just cry for what seems like no reason.  My heart is in pain, and it is broken.

"...and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again..."

(twloha.com)

This brokenness deepens my compassion and love. It ensures that I cant turn my back to these people., and that I will do something about it. My compassion will not just be felt, but will be acted upon. But it is hard to walk everyday with this sorrow. It can stress the spirit.

Sorrow and pain are not the only things I feel. They are overwhelming at times, but it is not all I feel. In this world there are a lot of ugly things that leave a lot of people broken, desperate, lonely and lost. In this world there is also a lot of beautiful things that leave people happy, hopeful, strong, and with a smile on there face.

I need to remember that I can have enjoyment along with the sorrow. That God has placed a lot of beautiful thing in my life, and in this world, that we are meant to enjoy.

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun."

(Ecclesiastes 8:15)

At first I wished it could have been easier. I wished that the funds would have flooded in quickly. I knew that God would provide what I needed and assumed that this meant it would be easy and at the end of my fingertips. That put a condition on Gods providence. I limited Him. I put Him in a box. It was a beautiful box, one where His will was easy, but it was a box none the less.

I have been weak throughout the fundraising process. I have been jealous of my teammates that seemed to have an easy and quick time getting the funds. I have been disappointed with some Christians I know. I have had little faith. I have had doubts. I have worried.

To my teammates, friends, family, supporters and most importantly God, I am sorry.

Surprisingly I must say, I would not trade in this weakness for anyone else's fundraising experience. This is something I needed to go through to learn some lessons. And it added to my relationship with God even more. It has been hard, and its not over yet, but I can see Gods glory through all of this.

"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

(Romans 5:3-5)

I learned I needed to ask.

I learned to place all faith in Him, not humans.

I learned His will is not always easy.

I learned not to worry.

I learned to expect supernatural things.

I learned to be bold.

I learned that when I am weak He is my strength.

I learned I can't limit God.

"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

When I am weak, He is able to show me His strength. He becomes my strength. Through my weakness He is glorified!

Friday morning started off shaky. I was getting ready for work and started up a conversation with my dad about the trip. This talk went long enough that I was going to be late for work, I was a wreck and ended up taking a personal day off.

My dad opened up my eyes to the fact that I was limiting God. I had thought before that if I took out a loan as a backup plan, that that meant I didn't have faith in God to provide. I opened up to the fact that God could use a loan as a way to provide for my trip.  But I still felt a conviction that God was going to provide the funds.

I went outside in the backyard and cried out to God. I was down on my knees in the grass, with my face buried in my hands and tears coming down my face. I confessed to God that I was worrying and apologized for limiting Him. I told Him I wouldn't limit Him anymore. I asked Him to work supernaturally for the rest of the fundraising, because it wasn't "humanly" possible in my eyes. I thanked him for what He had already done, and thanked Him for what He was doing that I couldn't see. And I told Him that whatever happens, I want His glory to shine. I asked Him to use my weaknesses as a chance to shine His glory through.

Shortly after I got a call from my pastor with the decision on how much my church will be supporting me. Seaside Community Baptist Church will be supporting me $500 to start off and $100 per month Im gone. This is coming from a church that meets in a school gym, is only a year old and has no mission board to decide something like this. Praise God! (And thank you Seaside)

I had put up some items on kijij to sell to raise some money to go towards the trip cost. Within the first few hours I had over 30 replies back and sold a few items already. Praise God! (And thank you those people that bought something)

A few hours later a close friend of mine I met at college pledged $150 per month that I will be gone. This is coming from a guy a year younger then me, who is saving up to put himself through school next year. Praise God! (And thank you MJ)

Before I went to bed I checked my AIM account to see how much funds were in there, and someone had made an anonymous donation of $1,680. Which is how much I needed to fulfill my 60% deadline before I leave. Praise God! (And thank you "anonymous")

I tell you this, so you can see Gods glory! God is good. Praise God!

Every year my father and mother get a company vacation threw my dads work. This winter/spring the company started planning a trip to Mexico. Everyone was informed about the location, resort, events and the dates of the trip. People booked there time off and started getting excited.

There was a problem though. The head office wasn't planning a trip this year! And whoever took it upon themselves to plan this years vacation, just assumed that, like every other year, there was going to be a vacation. No one checked with the head office and the trip wasn't approved.

There was a struggle within the next few weeks on weather the trip was going to happen or not. At the last minute, just days before the flights took off, the head office gave in and agreed to sign the approval papers.

They all had a wonderful time in Mexico.

So what does my parents vacation have to do with this mission trip?

My dads company paid for the vacation and as another perk of my dads job, the areoplan points went on a card in my dads name. He had little points on this card, just a few from a short business trip to Montreal before.

Each FYM participant is responsible for booking and paying for our flight to the training camp in Georgia. My dad checked his areoplan points and had just enough to get the ticket for me!

It was awesome to see God providing for this trip. He used a seemingly frivolous vacation, which wasn't supposed to happen in the first place, to provide a free ticket for me. God provides for us what we need, this doesn't always mean the money to get it ourselves. He provided without a penny!

Also, after thinking about how He was working in this, I realized that it is evident that God was planning this trip before I was. Which shows me that I am walking in His will, following the path He is laying out before me. He has tenderly been planning this trip.